<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Traversing Through Takeru's Trauma by Norbez</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26977231">Traversing Through Takeru's Trauma</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Norbez/pseuds/Norbez'>Norbez</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Collar x Malice (Visual Novel)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Childhood Trauma, Cuddling &amp; Snuggling, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, F/M, Fireworks, Hugs, M/M, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Other, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Trauma, Triggers, Tsunderes, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:27:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,767</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26977231</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Norbez/pseuds/Norbez</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of shorts discussing Takeru Sasazuka's PTSD.  I haven't seen many fics really go into it, so I figured, as a person with PTSD, why not?  General trigger warning for post-traumatic stress disorder and elements surrounding it--check the chapter names and descriptions.</p><p>I hope you find value in these fics.  Be kind to the traumatized people in your life. &lt;3</p><p>And if there's any scenario you want to see, let me know in the comments!  I'd love to hear your suggestions.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Enomoto Mineo/Sasazuka Takeru, Hoshino Ichika &amp; Sasazuka Takeru, Hoshino Ichika/Sasazuka Takeru, Sasazuka Takeru/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Comforting Your BF After A Late-Night Flashback</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This is a cross-post from my "You Are Takeru's Tiny" fic (https://archiveofourown.org/works/26943970/chapters/65809672).  In this one, you are a tiny person.  The rest of the fics will be same-size scenarios.</p><p>Takeru has a panic attack in the middle of the night.  CW: Implied panic attack.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sound of your boyfriend startling wakes you up.  On his bedside table, you stir in your little bed, the one he made for you (he even hand-stitched the blankets), and turn over, trying to get back to sleep.  But then you hear the way he’s breathing.  The way he’s starting to sound panicked. . .</p><p>You bolt up, running across the table and jumping, grabbing the lamp’s chain and clicking on the light.  Sure enough, Sasazuka is wide awake, and his face is twisted into a fearful expression, one that means he’s having a flashback.  You hop onto the bed and run to his side, finding his twitching hand and holding onto his finger, letting him know you’re here.  He’s told you in the past that it grounds him, and you rub his palm gently.</p><p>You hear your boyfriend take several deep breaths, in and out.  A moment later, the twitching stops, and his breathing becomes quiet.  You look over at his face, and see him smiling sadly at you.  “I’m alright now,” he says.  “Thank you.”</p><p>You nod and walk up to Sasazuka, giving him a gentle kiss on the cheek, and then hugging him, wrapping your arms around his face.  “I’m here,” you say.  He brings his hand up and gently pulls you close, petting your head with one finger.</p><p>Finally, he lets you go, and you back away, giving him space.  “It’s late,” he finally says, running a hand through his aqua hair.  “Let’s just get back to sleep.”</p><p>“Alright,” you say, walking back and hopping back onto the bedside table.  </p><p>You reach for the lamp’s chain, but hesitate, turning back to your boyfriend.  He gives you a reassuring smile, and says, “Goodnight.  Thank you.”  It seems like he’s ok—that’s good.  You nod to him, and then turn off the light.</p><p>You climb back into bed and lie down, closing your eyes.  Soon, you and Sasazuka are fast asleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Pills</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>You accidentally find Sasazuka's medication.  CW: Discussion of mental health problems and medication.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You found out about it a few months after you started dating.  Opening Sasazuka’s snack drawer to grab him a candy bar, you spotted a surprising sight: an orange pill bottle, hiding underneath the bags of chocolate pretzels.  You hesitated to grab the chocolate your boyfriend had asked for, staring at it.</p><p>“What’s taking you so—”  Sasazuka’s words stop in their tracks.  You turn around, and see he’s noticed what you saw.  A rare form of nervousness flickers in his eyes, and he turns back to his computer without a word, a slight blush on his face.</p><p>“. . . You take pills?” you finally manage to say, picking up the candy bar.</p><p>“Prescribed medication,” he said, continuing to type, not looking at you.  “Nothing illegal.  I’m not an idiot.”</p><p>You walk over and hold out the candy bar.  “You never told me anything about that. . .”</p><p>He takes the chocolate and rips it open, taking a bite, face angry.  “It’s not something I’m proud of,” he says, sighing.  “Got it, stupid cat?”</p><p>You nod.  “Ok.”</p><p>Then you return to the kitchen to prepare some dinner.  When it’s ready, you both sit at the table and eat.</p><p>There is an awkward silence.  Sasazuka looks . . . more impatient than usual, tapping his finger against the table and leaning forward with a scowl.  You gather your courage, take a deep breath, and speak.</p><p>“So . . . why do you have that prescription?” you ask him.</p><p>“That’s not your concern,” he replies.</p><p>“I’m dating you.  You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but . . . I don’t want to worry,” you insist.</p><p>He lets out a sigh.  “Idiot,” he mutters.  “You don’t have to worry about me.”</p><p>Silence settles over you yet again. Sasazuka surprises you by breaking it.</p><p>“Generalized anxiety disorder,” he says, spitting out the words.  “Likely linked to my post-traumatic stress.  I got diagnosed at twenty and I’ve been taking those pills ever since.”  He turns to you, eyes burning.  “That’s all.  Understand?”</p><p>You nod, not sure how to respond.  “. . . Thank you for telling me,” you finally say, measuring your words.  “I’m glad you trust me enough to let me know.”</p><p>“Stupid,” he mutters.  “Of course I trust you.”</p><p>You pause, and then say, “There’s nothing wrong with needing medicine, you know.”  He turns away, saying nothing.  You continue, “It’s ok to need pills to function. . . That doesn’t make you broken, Takeru.”</p><p>His eyes soften, and he looks up at you, eye narrowed, as if checking the truthfulness of your words.  “I see,” he finally said, continuing to eat.  “Well, thank you, I suppose.”</p><p>You smile, and take a bite out of your dinner.  “You’re welcome.”</p><p>The meal is finished in relative silence.  When it’s finished, you get your things, and say, “I suppose I should be going.”</p><p>“I suppose so.”  Your boyfriend pauses, then says, “I have to refill my medicine next week, you know.  You could come with me to the pharmacy.”</p><p>You smile.  “Of course I’ll come!”  You’re grateful he trusts you enough to invite you along.</p><p>“Moron,” he mutters.  “I’m just inviting you so you know you don’t have to worry.”  He grabs his coat.  “Let me walk you home.”</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>The two of you leave his apartment.  On the way to your house, he holds your hand.  You smile, and lean on his shoulder.</p><p>You’re glad he trusts you, and can only hope he continues to do so.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Panic Attacks</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Takeru reveals his panic attacks to you, and has one at work, which Enomoto witnesses.  CW: Detailed panic attack.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Your boyfriend is skilled in the art of hiding panic attacks, so much so that it kind of scares you.  He didn’t tell you about them at first, but after seeing his eyes glaze over unexpectedly during a date, he reveals them to you.  It takes some gentle coaxing for him to open up with you about them, and when he does, you can see how defeated he looks.</p><p>“I used to feel so helpless with the attacks when I was younger,” he tells you with a shrug.  “But now I can manage them on my own.  I power through.”</p><p>“How often do you have panic attacks?” you ask one day.</p><p>He shrugs.  “Just a few times a week.”</p><p>“A few times a week?!” you exclaim, alarmed.  “That’s a lot!”</p><p>“I can handle it,” he says stubbornly.</p><p>You eventually convince him to discuss such things with a doctor, which results in a new prescription he’s hesitant to take.  But when he does, he begrudgingly admits to you that his attacks only happen about once every two weeks now, and you hug him, happy for his progress.</p><p>At work, he can always sense the attacks the moment his body starts to tense up.  But he knows how to power through them, and keep working like nothing is happening.  If he needs space, he yells at Enomoto to grab him some donuts, and subtly encourages Yanagi to take a smoke break.  On the particularly bad days, Sasazuka goes to the roof to clear his head.</p><p>One day, while Yanagi’s on the roof, Enomoto is taking longer than usual to leave.  Sasazuka curses his luck as his anxiety rises, clacking away at his keyboard.  </p><p>“Sasazuka-san, I’m going to—”  Enomoto stops, staring at his colleague’s shaking back.  Confused, he walks up to Takeru, and reaches out a hand.  “Um, are you ok?”</p><p>“Don’t touch me, idiot,” Sasazuka snaps.</p><p>“Ok, ok!” Enomoto says, jolting back.  “I’m just trying to help.  What’s going on?”</p><p>“Just can it, protozoan,” Takeru says.  He takes a big gulp of coffee, trying to steady his shaking hands and racing thoughts.</p><p>“But you’re—”</p><p>“Shut.  <i>Up</i>.”  </p><p>He just barely manages to get the words out when the panic hits him like a wave, making his breathing unsteady.  But he continues to type, continues to power through, ignoring the sweat trickling down his face.  He has to make it.</p><p>His mind is a sea of anxious thoughts, and he is careful not to get lost in it, but it’s still difficult to navigate.  He wonders about the state of Shinjuku, about getting shot, about his <i>partner</i> getting shot.  It feels inevitable that it will happen.  But at the same time, he knows his mind is being mired right now—that what <i>feels</i> inevitable isn’t exactly so.</p><p>Sasazuka is rational, calm.  But during these attacks, his logical mind fights with terror and fear.  He takes a deep breath—he’s had a lot of practice controlling these attacks.  Over five years worth of practice.  He can make it</p><p>Finally, the panic subsides.  He lets out a small sigh of relief, and stops typing for just a moment to feel his heartbeat.  It stops racing and slows back to normal, making him smile.</p><p>“Sasazuka-san. . .”</p><p>Enomoto’s voice makes him jump in surprise, and he whirls around, angry.  “You’re still here, idiot?!” he snaps.  “I thought I told you to get donuts.”</p><p>“I couldn’t just leave you alone!” the stupid man insists.</p><p>Sasazuka rolls his eyes.  It was likely Enomoto didn’t even know that what he witnessed was a panic attack.  “And what exactly were you going to do to help me?”</p><p>“I. . . um. . .”</p><p>“You have no idea, do you.  Moron.”  Takeru sighs, and turns back to his keyboard.  “Just get me some donuts.  If there’s anything you can do to help, it’s the one thing I asked you to do ages ago.”</p><p>“R-Right.  Sorry.”</p><p>Enomoto walks toward the door, but hesitates before opening it.  “I know you don’t exactly trust me, Sasazuka-san,” he begins.</p><p>“That’s putting it mildly,” is the retort.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah.  But, if you’re going through something hard. . . You always have Yanagi-senpai and me, you know?  If you need help.”</p><p>Sasazuka pauses, and glances over at Enomoto.  The man continues, “I mean, Shiraishi-san is a different story—he would probably want to study how you tick instead of helping—but that’s not the point!  Um, you have us.  Is all.”</p><p>Takeru sighs, and turns back to his computer.  “If you say so,” he mutters.</p><p>Enomoto stares at his back for a moment, then leaves to get the donuts.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Summertime . . . where the living is messy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Takeru gets triggered during the summer.  Luckily, you are with him.  CW: Trigged trauma, hypervigilance.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sasazuka hates the summer.  Because in the summer, there are festivals, and at festivals, there are fireworks.  And their sound, which is similar to gunshots, can bring back painful memories.</p><p>You learn quickly that if you want to go to a summer festival, you usually have to go there alone.  When you go, you make sure to pick up things your boyfriend will like, and bring them back for him.  He always tells you, “You didn’t have to get anything for me, stupid,” but he always appreciates them, putting them away carefully before returning to his computer.</p><p>One day, you are both at his house, sitting together, when a sudden <i>bang!</i> pierces the air—there are fireworks nearby.  Your boyfriend winces and stands up from the bed, his hypervigilance activated.  “Let’s go out,” he says.  You nod, and quickly grab your coat.</p><p>Sasazuka reaches for it, but another <i>bang!</i> comes from outside, and he winces again, hands trembling.  You know that when he’s in panic mode, he doesn’t want to be touched unless he asks for it, so you just grab his coat and hold it out to him.  Sasazuka grabs it and runs out the door.</p><p>You follow him to a nearby park, and thankfully, the sound of the fireworks is far off in the distance.  He sits down at a bench, and you go beside your boyfriend, waiting for him to tell you what he needs.</p><p>“Please hold me,” he finally says, speaking quietly.  You do, reaching out and wrapping your arm around him in a gentle hug, letting him rest his head on your shoulder.  With one hand, you gently pet his hair, soothing him in the way you know he likes.  You can feel him still shaking, and he looks like he’s about to cry, which is a rarity for Sasazuka.</p><p>You both sit there together for a long time, long after the fireworks stop.  Eventually, you feel his shaking subside, and he sits up, taking, long deep breaths.  He then stands up, and turns to you, saying, “Let’s go home.”  You nod and get up from the bench, walking together in silence.</p><p>On the way, he reaches out and holds your hand, squeezing it tighter than usual.  “What’s wrong?” you ask, seeing the look on his face.  You stop walking</p><p>He turns away, and mutters, “I don’t want to lose you, too.  That’s all.”</p><p>“You’re not going to lose me,” you say firmly, putting a hand to his cheek and forcing him to look at you.  “You’re <i>not</i>.  I promise.”</p><p>He nods and says, “Alright.”  Then you both resume walking.</p><p>After that incident, you purchase a pair of noise-canceling headphones.  When you give them to him and explain their function, a genuine tear leaves his eyes—but he quickly regains composure, and says, “It’ll do, cat.  Thank you.”</p><p>Though you’re surprised he’d never heard of them before, you’re happy you were able to find something helpful for your boyfriend.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. The Art Of Waiting For Traumatized People</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>You learn that you have to wait for Takeru.  CW: Discussion of trauma triggers.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As Sasazuka’s partner, you quickly learn one important thing: you have to be patient with him.  Trauma hits him hard, and when it does, you need to wait for him to tell you what he needs.</p><p>And at first, it got annoying, you have to admit—he can get triggered at the worst possible times, turning a night out or a peaceful walk into a traumatic scene.  But the more it goes on, the more you start to understand that he can’t control it—that he doesn’t mean to inconvenience you, that the trauma is not his fault.  And he’s trying his best to cope, but sometimes he can’t help getting triggered.</p><p>And so you learn how to be patient, how to help guide him through the panic attacks and the bad memories.  Sometimes he needs you to get away so he can refocus his thoughts in peace.  Other times, he wants you close, so you can comfort him during a distressing time.  But no matter what, each time, you have to wait.</p><p>It’s not easy, being with Sasazuka.  But you know you’re going to hold on tight, and never let go, no matter how hard it gets.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. During The Quarantine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A discussion of Takeru's trauma during Shinjuku's quarantine.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The quarantine was a triggering time for Takeru, that was for sure.  He’d thought that he had finally left America, where guns were common, for good, just to find himself in a situation where guns were the new normal in Japan.  That was a troubling development.</p><p>The day the Weapon’s Ban had been lifted was a deeply troubling one for him, and the reason he quit Cyber Crime.  He hadn’t truly expected the government to go that far, but now that it had, anything seemed horribly possible.</p><p>He locked his gun away in a drawer, never to look at it again, but knowing that he could fall victim to the weapon at any time was nerve-racking.  It made him look twice at people when walking on the street, walk cautiously when around loud groups.  For him, it made the entire city a potential battlezone—even more than it already had been.</p><p>His trauma was reignited with a terrible passion, and feelings Sasazuka thought he had buried came resurfacing with a vengeance.  He fought doubt and fear during the months Shinjuku was terrorized by Adonis, with nightmares that this place would never change back to the way it was—that he would be stuck in this hell as long as he lived here.  He would wake up in a cold sweat, breathing hard, and wonder if that was truly to happen.</p><p>That was why he dedicated himself to reinstating the Weapon’s Ban.  Not just for the normalcy of others—but, truly, for his own inner peace.  And even after Adonis had been defeated, and Shinjuku returned back to normal, keeping that inner peace was still difficult.</p><p>And why wouldn’t it be?  After all, he had been in a state of trauma-fueled hypervigilance since the Weapon’s Ban was lifted—and that would be a hard thing to break.  For the next few months, he stayed in that state, giving sideways glances to passers-by and barely ever letting his guard down, even behind closed doors.</p><p>Even now, he sometimes needs you to reassure him.  “There are no guns left in Shinjuku, are there?” Takeru sometimes asks.  And you tell him that no, all the weapons distributed to civilians were carefully collected by the police force, and none were left remaining.  He nods, looking pensive, and you can see the resolve in his eyes, the determination to believe that everything is normal again, even if that determination sometimes wavers.</p><p>Things are still hard for your boyfriend.  But you do your best to help him through.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>